I'll never forget over-hearing a very "adult" conversation at age six. Whilst sitting on the log for a well-deserved time out (I had stolen some little girls princess pencil) one day in first grade, I eavesdropped on a teacher's dialogue with another educator. She had recently gotten divorced, and coincidentally blamed her marriage failure on her own self identity. The teacher kept telling the other woman that she really needed to "find herself."
Who is that hottie?! Note the matching socks.....Imagine my comprehension of this phrase at age six. It was kind of scary frightening to digest this idea. My six year old creativity running amuck, my childhood imagination went wild. I kept envisioning this poor woman scowering through the dark, dank forests, calling out her own name aloud profusely---like a bad game of hide and seek.
"150,151, 152....I'm COMING SELF!!!!"
Now, at age 23, I know what the phrase "finding yourself" really means....and yet I still despise it. It just sounds so gosh-darn selfish. As if the only person you really want to find is yourself. As if the only plan you have, throughout your life, is to improve your own existence. I just don't get that kind of mentality,and also haven't seen too much of a success rate with adhering to that type of belief-system. Most people that spend their lives "finding themselves" end up with just "themselves." Congratu-freaking-lations. What a prize.
"SO......this is fun......I found....MYSELF.....what now?!"I believe that coming into your own is not a sole, personal mission that you work on consistently, but a life-time of experiences. I believe that coming into your own means allowing others to assist you, help you, and love you. Lastly, I feel that earning your identity comes from learning from your mistakes, and disallowing your stubborness and pride. It comes from taking the advice that you don't want to hear....but need to.
With the abovementioned duly noted, I am NOT....repeat NOT anti-self-identity. On the contrary, I believe people need a healthy dose of self-awareness to succeed in life. However, I refer to this type of independence as "loving yourself." I don't know why....but to me that term just seems to be much more open. "Love" is such a broad term, that it almost clearly suggests you still have room, within your heart, for others. Furthermore, it has been my absolute experience, that you must love yourself, truly, before you can ever love anyone else.
Throughout my short life, I have seen so many women and men convince themselves that being with someone else is all they need to feel good about themselves. Nothing could be farther from the truth. When one partner, in a romantic relationship, dosn't even like themselves-- it soon becomes apparent to everyone else around them. It's as if they are each wearing big red badges on their shirts saying "INSECURE" for everybody to note. Many times, they take their personal hostilities out on each other, or out on others---putting other people down to feel better about themselves. But nothing works to cure their ailments. Unless they learn to figure out their own self-love.....their permanently satiated in this sad manner.
(This Book Title is Fairly Awesome)
Personally, I can certainly admit to the aforementioned behaviors. The first time I dated my boyfriend....I was inargubaly ill-prepared for the romantic commitments. Furthermore, I was still falling in love with who I was as a person. In other words, I didn't REALLY like myself the way you have to before welcoming another person into your life. I, too, participated in the psychotic, crazed behaviors of an insecure person. To assert false confidence, I did not return phone calls. To assuage impossible expectations, I got mad about everything. And finally, to keep myself from being hurt, I did not speak to him for over one year. My boyfriend's story, on the other hand, is his to tell---but he was unsure of himself at that time too. Together...we were doomed.
Retro Jon and Eliz (I was insecure as hell)
Thankfully, the second time around....we had both learned our lessons. Fortunatley, throughout the first year of our relationship, we worked out our self-identities together---and it really has been smooth sailings since that. Many times, we tell each other we love each other so much more now than ever before. I'm more than willing to guess that this is due to our loves for ourselves, and our personal happinesses--which then lend themselves to real romantic love.
I'd like to end this blog with a quote I found from Lucille Ball.
"Love yourself first and everything falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world"--Lucille Ball
